This is M.

Penultimate Podcast

Reflecting on the end of the podcast, feeling puzzled over the poor reviews, pain in my mouth, doing a deep-cleaning on my place, the external being a representation of the internal, recounting a first date with someone who had the messiest place I've ever seen, feeling insecure about the cleanliness of my own place, wanting to feel like I'm starting over, wanting to get rid of everything, reflecting on seeing the great new film "The Green Knight," looking forward to "The Tragedy of Macbeth" from Joel Coen, rewatching "Midsommar" from Ari Aster, using my time and the podcast to fight off silence and sadness, and looking forward to the final episode of the podcast next week. Music by Disasterpeace.

Bring Into Being

Finishing strong in summer school, preparing for the Fall semester, studying chess recently, having more tools at your disposal than ever before to learn anything, how "seeking advice" is often a thinly veiled way of asking someone to save you from doing the hard work that is necessary for success, buying a new bag and a bike, entering a period of liminality in my life, how pursuing a creative career poisons the well spring of your creativity, Bob Dylan being as close to a "prophet" as possible, what I hope you get out of the podcast, using what you have to create, and the best creative process being the one that you do. Music by Disasterpeace.

Bargain Bin Radio

Correcting last week's audio, getting some serious work done at the dentist this weekend, the relief of working toward getting those issues fixed, getting ready for the next semester of school, locking myself out my car today, recounting another time I got locked out of my truck on tour, the strangeness of getting older, hearing from someone at work that they've been listening to the podcast, the vulnerability of having people hear this, the inevitable decline of every accomplishment, being relegated to the "bargain bin" of life, and uncertainty about the future as we near the potential end fo the podcast. Music by Disasterpeace.

Just Desserts

The travesty of my first visit to the dentist in sevenish years, needing to end up exactly where you deserve to be in life for your own salvation, the double-edged delusion of "imposter syndrome," possibly taking a break after these 100 episodes, calling myself out for avoiding the subject of the last few episodes, watching Bo Burnham's "Inside" finally, being predictably discouraged by it, the inevitable shortcomings of the creative act, the presence of the spirit in Dylan and David Foster Wallace's work, the spiritual quality of a creative life, and needing to finally live a life that mirrors the creative values I've been espousing. Music by Disasterpeace.

The Secret Sharer

Feeling anxious about this week's episode, hiccups in posting last week's video, continuing last week's conversation, bringing those topics up for the first time in therapy this week, the feeling of safety and self-disclosure, the first time I shared the secret of my substance use after a year in therapy, speaking frankly about shit and suicide, Dr. Pimple Popper, two terrifying realizations in therapy, insight not leading to action, having all the signs I need to do the thing I want to do, the Hamlet-like nature of this creative conflict, steeling myself to finally do the thing, and you being the secret sharer. Music by Disasterpeace.

The Ponytail Date

Treating myself to a new toy for my birthday, living with a broken phone for three years, other potentially self-limiting behaviors, not seeing yourself the way others do, my girlfriend's own insecurities, the "ponytail date," the devastating impact of the release of Bo Burnham's "Inside," creation as the culmination of your experience, feeling locked in your life, betraying a gift from the cosmos, and steeling myself to finally return to work. Music by Disasterpeace.

Called to Clown

Not trusting the judgment of critics, the perils of soliciting feedback, not being able to judge yourself objectively, not knowing what you don't know, misjudging the quality of my first recordings, advice and criticism saying more about the people offering it than anything you should do, the profound kernel of wisdom at the center of Disney's "Moana," words of wisdom from the Toyota dealership, surmising the plot of the musical "Wicked" through the song "Defying Gravity," the sheeple of Shakespeare's "Coriolanus," miscasting yourself in the Gospel, the profundity of the exposition in the movie "Hook," and the realization that most of our lives have been bought and sold with our permission. Music by Disasterpeace.

Creatively Crucified

The unlikely influence of pastor John MacArthur, a longstanding interest in religion, stumbling at the end of this first summer session of Chinese, the impact on my confidence, shooting poorly at the range, bleeding chess rating points, feeling creatively deflated also, my suspicion that Bo Burnham's "Inside" will devastate me, betraying my own creative muse, the numinous nature of creativity and inspiration, the creative conversation happening through time and feeling called to contribute to it, feeling like Moses who was kept out of the promised land, and the formative events of your life sounding like a fairy tale to younger generations. Music by Disasterpeace.

Bye Bye Bifurcated

Back on top in Chinese class, struggling with a wall to wall to schedule everyday, knowing one area of my life will suffer as a result, recounting the stressors of the week, the horror of the new neighbor's band practice, being noise sensitive, the emotional and psychology imposition of inconsiderate people, everything going wrong that could wrong before my most recent test, having to confront the neighbor's about their noise, a friendly surprise, your silence rotting into resentment, struggling to speak up for myself when needed, not taking responsibility for how other people feel about what you're doing, some unexpected fireworks, and a prelude to a conversation about conservative Christian preachers. Music by Disasterpeace.

Sword of Damocles

Falling short on my most recent Chinese exam, feeling a disturbance in the force leading up to it, intuitive vs. data driven decision making, attending a wedding this week, showing up early and observing "the help," reflecting on the unobserved experience of many musicians, the joy of watching two singles "hook up" at the wedding, the HBO documentary "Allen vs. Farrow," vehemently defending a position without being fully possessed of the facts, the sword of Damocles-type existence of guilty people, and the irony of people holding all of the power yet feeling powerless. Music by Disasterpeace.