This is M.

It’s Not Your Fault

A brief check-in about COVID-19/Coronavirus, feeling especially depressed right now, thinking I had caught "the vid" over the weekend, having a brain that feels like scrambled eggs lately, circling back to the reunion episode of the Netflix reality/dating show Love Is Blind, calcifying your impression of people based on a finite amount of time you spent with them (like the kid I went to school with who thought babies came out of the butt), and a protracted account of the last romantic relationship of my twenties. Music by Disasterpeace.

Love Is Blind

Discussed: A roundup of recent movies and television I've watched (Honey Boy, The Handmaiden, The Invisible Man, Kingdom [Season 2]), a protracted analysis of the Netflix reality/dating show Love Is Blind (with reference to Jerry Maquire and Sleepwalk With Me), the difficulty of calling out problems in a relationship, the time my therapist suggested I might be questioning my gender identity, if Cormac McCarthy wrote the menu for Chili's, and longing for a return to normalcy. Music by Disasterpeace.

Plague Profiteers

Discussed: A five-star review of the podcast on Apple Podcasts, life since the shelter in place order was issued in the San Francisco Bay Area earlier this week, counting my blessings at this time, my most recent visit to the grocery store right as the general panic was setting in, the fragility of the social order in a time of fear, the heroism of our grocery store workers, the importance of talking about our anxieties, the potential for plague profiteering, looking for an opportunity in all the chaos, and the potential for something powerful and profound to be taking place alongside so much tragedy. Music by Disasterpeace.

Waiting for the Wanting

Discussed: Five minutes of COVID-19 coverage turns into thirty minutes, the cancellation of classes for the next few weeks, feeling powerless against the coming crisis, the inability for anyone to prepare for something like this, my girlfriend pushing for us to move in together, the tendency for guys to need to feel secure in their lives before settling down, wanting to feel more confident in my career choice, what it means to "want" something for yourself, and surrendering some of your life decisions to the judgment of people you trust. Music by Disasterpeace.

I Want Coronavirus

Discussed: The initial results of the Democratic Primary, the arrival of coronavirus in the United States, the ways I could leverage catching COVID-19 to my advantage, the results of my recent health scare that were never addressed on the podcast, my ability to catastrophize every situation, my future mother-in-law's recent visit to the Bay Area, my Spartan approach to playing and practicing the drums, lack of self-esteem and the root of laziness, and the idea that everyone you know and meet is doing the very best they can, even if it's not good enough. Music by Disasterpeace.

Frogger

The twenty-fourth episode. Discussed: War stories from the local laundromat, remembering an elderly regular from my restaurant days, a close encounter with a local thief, my relationships with the neighborhood vagrant population, my recent Chemistry and Trigonometry exams, the importance of not telling yourself horror stories, the thin line between genius and madness, the well-spring of creativity, and the so-called benefits of substance use on inspiration. Music by Disasterpeace.

Brat!

The 23andMe episode. Discussed: NPR's Tiny Desk Contest, my commitment (or lack of it) to my creative career, seeing "Uncut Gems" at The New Parkway Theater in Oakland, Philip Seymour Hoffman in "Owning Mahoney," my return to drumming, a renewed interest in jazz, the change of tastes in adulthood, and a lengthy exploration of how my recent interests are an unconscious, retroactive effort to "fix" the mistakes of my past. Music by Disasterpeace.

Thief of Joy

The deuce-deuce episode. Discussed: The prevalence of podcasts, my previous podcast, the perniciousness of perfectionism, the importance of patience with the present, pledging yourself to the process, the impotence of positive punishment, the power of positive reinforcement, and the vast chasm between insight and action. Music by Disasterpeace.

Wabi-sabi

The legal drinking-age episode. Discussed: The myth of resting bitch face, the dystopian futures of Aldous Huxley and George Orwell, pacifying the public with pleasure, not living up to the ideals we broadcast, my recent return to drumming, trying to fix the past through the present, the un-addressed technical flub in each episode to date, tolerating imperfection, the Japanese concept of Wabi-sabi, the beauty of being uninhibited, and the love-hate relationship we have with youth and beauty as we age. Music: "Adventure" by Disasterpeace.

Scoff Sniper

The twentieth episode. Discussed: Kobe Bryant's death, seeing Prince perform live shortly before his death, seeing Phoenix and Kings of Leon perform before they exploded in the U.S., people who say "fuck cancer" and wondering what they'd prefer killed people, infamous and Darwin Award-type deaths, Michael Jackson's death and molestation charges, the treatment of tragedy in the 24-hour news cycle, debate and discourse on social media, the burden of feeling accountable to everyone you've ever met on social media, the concept of "wu wei" (or, "no unnecessary action") in Taoism and trusting that all things will be completed of themselves. Music: "Adventure" by Disasterpeace.