This is M.

The Shopping Cart Theory

Feeling conflicted about needing to comment on current events and being honest about my feelings at the same time, wanting to support the Black Lives Matter movement while being critical of many of its (mostly white) performative allies, this podcast as a document of my experience during this time in history, my brother's recent efforts to support BLM, looking for similar opportunities to do the same, fewer people wearing face masks in public, J.K. Rowling's recent response to her supposed "anti-trans" behavior, Norman Mailer stabbing one of his ex-wives, and The Shopping Cart Theory. Music by Disasterpeace.

American Idiot

My brother's remote wedding this week, the recent protests and public response to the murder of George Floyd, gun violence inside my girlfriend's apartment building, battling the noisy neighbors on two fronts, people for whom the bare minimum is a bridge too far, the profound lameness of needing to broadcast yourself to the neighborhood, the performative aspect of protest, the carbon-copy commentaries on current events, the religious dogma-type quality of our political discourse, supporting the movement while being skeptical of its behavior, not knowing where to fit in, wanting to be on the right side of history, and this movement's lack of protest music. Music by Disasterpeace.

Fatal Flaw

Suffering the current heat-wave, ruminating about a recent mis-step with my girlfriend, wrestling with my occasional need to be alone, preferring to be isolated for most of my life, trying to tease out my natural tendencies from maladaptive behaviors, anxiety as a tool to identify areas of your life that need attention, the plot-twist of therapy, learning to trust my own judgment, reconciling myself to the reality of my life currently, reframing my fatal flaws as valid parts of my personality, needing my life to unfold the way it has, and nobody else being able to tell you what work you are here to do. Music by Disasterpeace.

You’re Not Gonna Make It

Re-recording the worst episode of the podcast, how I faired in finals this semester, complications with Chemistry, failing to feel accomplished, re-watching the James Cameron comedy/action classic "True Lies" with Arnold Schwarzenegger, a brief survey of the short story "Two Gallants" from James Joyce's "Dubliners," the need for today's artists to create consistently, audiences wanting an entire body of work to sink into, the very "first-film" qualities of the horror movie "M.O.M. (Mothers of Monsters)," the inevitable failure of your creative career, and using that as motivation to create what you want and not what you think will succeed. Music by Disasterpeace.

The Undershave of Podcasts

Studying for finals, confirming my shift away from a creative career, getting out to the beach over the weekend, gaining weight in quarantine, addressing criticism, my refusal to post negative reviews, a nightmare Airbnb experience, envying other people's podcasts, giving my girlfriend an undershave, the reward of doing something just because you want to, a musical interlude, re-reading "Dubliners" by James Joyce, the changing relief of a reading experience with age, Kohlberg's levels of moral development, and a related quote from Confucius. Music by Disasterpeace.

Porpal Trauma

My limited capacity for the podcast recently, a vow to never address negative criticism of any kind again in the future,  the human vs. porpoise population and the plot-twist or non-linear trajectory of therapy, the art you consume vs. the art you create, the emotional avoidant aspect of chemical dependence, tensions mounting between neighbors during the shelter in place, the slow aesthetic of Kubrick's "2001: A Space Odyssey" vs. the boredom of Tarkovsky's "Solaris," Matthew Barney's use of film as a medium, an outlier in David Lynch's oeuvre ("The Straight Story"), glaring problems in Paul Thomas Anderson's late films, Denis Villeneuve's "Polytechnique," and the scarcity of true friends in life. Music by Disasterpeace.

The Critic

A protracted analysis of a recent one-star review of the podcast, current failures as a microcosm of my creative career, the podcast as an exercise is resiliency, reconnecting with my creative compatriot Kevin (a.k.a. Field Medic), not being scared to start over, Theodore Roosevelt's "The Man in the Arena" quote, continuing to operate in the face of failure, continuing to absorb the uncertainty of sheltering in place, and celebrating little victories on the way to accomplishing something great. Music by Disasterpeace.

Lucky Ducks

Beginning to absorb the enormity of our current crisis, my recent interest in reality/dating shows, the prospect of moving in with my girlfriend, the fear of asking for what you want or need, people-pleasing to your own detriment, the on-set of cabin fever as the shelter in place continues, having the rug of certainty pulled out from under you, recounting various crises I was luckily able to avoid, mistakenly referring to Orson Welles as George Orwell, the unobserved genius of this generation. Music by Disasterpeace.

Plot Twist

A circuitous conversation about failing my most recent Chemistry exam, the pain of failing at something you don't even care about, the resiliency required to navigate life, watching yourself do something you know you will regret later, the bias of successful people toward those who aren't, the responsibility of taking control of your life, the privileged class of aspiring creatives, the plot twist of therapy, and qualifying for whatever you want for yourself in this life regardless of how "well" you are. Music by Disasterpeace.

Pinocchio Life

Feeling increasingly depressed as the shelter in place continues, recounting the time of my life when I turned thirty, feeling inspired to create my own Dracula-puppet-musical-type creative project (and NOT doing it), the cosmic Work carried out by certain creative individuals (Philippe Petit, Harry Houdini, etc.), the power of dedicating your life to something you truly feel called to do, the pathology of successful creative-types, the gift of time and using the shelter in place as an opportunity to recalibrate our values, love making you fat, losing the thread of conversation, a moment of silence, getting to be whatever you DO and not what you THINK, and valuing the journey over the destination. Music by Disasterpeace.